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Toronto Sun - June 6, 2002
By Gary Dunford

FIRST HURDLE: Thank you for your interest in joining the hand-picked board of the New Hydro One. To assist us in assessing your application, please take a moment to answer the following questions.

1. I think Ernie is ... (a) a swell name for a guy (b) Bert's balding bunkie on Sesame Street (c) vaguely creepy.

2. If the head of Hydro One makes $2.2 million a year, I would like to be paid (a) $200,000 (b) $500,000 (c) a Honda generator and $1 would be fine.

3. True or false: I own several nice suits. Number with cuffs? (a) zero (b) many. Have own appointment notice mugshot? (a) yes (b) no.

4. The beverage of choice at an $800 working dinner that includes Lemon Grass Gravlax and Poached Lobster with Caviar Mousse and Dijon Sauce is (a) tequila (b) Gatorade (c) Muscat Love (d) New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc.

5. How many Tories does it take to change a light bulb? (a) uh, one? (b) two? (c) If it needed changing, the marketplace would do it.

6. True or false: I understand written orders and obey them, damnit.

7. The most useful Hydro appliance ever invented is the electric (a) toaster (b) mixer (c) DVD player (d) chair.

8. The most appropriate board Christmas gift for Energy Minister Chris Stockwell would be (a) Ritalin (b) humility transplant (c) shorts.

7. Complete the following: When I hear thunder I (a) unplug appliances and computers (b) hide under the bed (c) take a bow.

8. True or false: The little man who turns the light on and off in my refrigerator sleeps when I do. Probably in the crisper behind the lettuce.

9. I believe the next board of Hydro One should be (a) non-partisan (b) compliant nitwits (c) right-wing, like me.

10. If Hydro One is privatized, which level of Multi-Level Marketing would you personally feel most comfortable with? (a) Lieutenant -- will recruit 10 relatives to sell 10 neighbours 100 shares each (b) Capo -- will find 100 relatives to find 100 neighbours to take 1000 shares each (c) Pyramid Pizano -- will dump shares in Hamilton Bay and forward necessary cheque.

11. How many Hydro One lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? (a) Uh, one? (b) two? (c) None. When a light comes on, they run for the crevices.

12. True or false: Electricity should be sold door to door by gypsies, pounding tambourines.

13. The round dials on a hydro meter are read from right to left, and alternately turn clockwise and counter-clockwise because (a) they are made in China (b) conceal the actual cost of kilowatt-hours (c) aid dyslexics (d) what was that about the counter-clockwise thing again?

14. As a model citizen, I unfailingly pay income tax and always (a) use the most conservative accounting strategy (b) turn right on red (c) use the express lane, 10 loopholes or less.

15. True or false: I contributed to TV Zero's most recent fund-raising appeal. Yes or no: My name is Elwy.

16. Agree or disagree: I fully understand that the Premier and Ms. Polkaroo are just good friends and only dating.

17. I believe Hydro One's first priority should be (a) bigger profits (b) taller poles (c) more power outages to underline importance of service (d) a much bigger logo on our boat in the next America's Cup.

18. If offered a golden parachute, I will (a) decline it (b) resign from the board (c) wait for a Tory jumpmaster's signal before plummeting to paradise.

19. New management for Hydro One should be recruited on the basis of (a) need (b) greed (c) breed (d) volts, bolts and all that boring stuff.

20. A suitable severance package should include (a) a million-a-year pension (b) gold, frankincense and mhyrr (c) assurance in writing that severed arm or tail will grow back, plus lifetime boarding at reptile zoo.

21. The Ontario government's model for a not-for-profit corporation should be (a) Bre-X (b) Nortel (c) that 99-cent falafel truck that used to park near SkyDome back when the Jays drew a crowd.

22. True or false: I burn my Christmas lights all year long.

23. Yes or no: I am happiest when I hear my hydro meter humming.

24. Agree or disagree: God help me, I still believe in electric heat.

25. True or false: I have called Hydro One's Emergency Service number and am delighted by the busy signals and recorded messages I hear there.

Send signed application to: Choose Me, Premier's Office, Queens Park. Entries judged for neatness, mind set and aptness of thought. Apply at once!

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